Saturday, October 25, 2008
Banana Redux
I went shopping the other night at Kroger's. Ostensibly, it was just for a few things: Bananas, Bagels, and Milk. The banana display stand was almost empty. Just a few scattered bunches, many spotted brown, and with three or four bananas in each bunch. They were picked over.
I once was at a training class (for OnBase, the document management solution, of all things) and sat next to a guy from Costa Rica who worked for Chiqita in Cincinnati, Ohio. He explained that Americans prefer buying nearly green bananas, and only like to eat them when they are a golden-yellow color, and unblemished to boot. We are picky and lousy customers. Europeans, being smarter(?) know that the brown spotted bananas are ripe and flavorful.
I happen to like the brown ones, a lot, but the rest of the family likes them ala American, golden-yellow. To serve them when they are that color, you pretty much have to buy them green yellow, and hope for the best.
An interesting thing happened, though, at that banana display. There was one other woman looking over the meager selection, and we began to compete for the bananas. She took a bunch with three green and one yellow, so I grabbed a bunch. She took another, so I did too. There were only a few bunches remaining—brown spotted, the way I like them—and she dared to take one of those. So I took two bunches of brown spotted. These bananas, by the way, were huge, like they were straight out of a South East Asian porno movie. Eventually she backed down, and left the display, but we had nearly picked it clean.
I think I broke my own record for most bananas, and I've been eating four huge ones a day ever since. If it's possible to overdose on banana-supplied potassium, I'm on my way.
I once was at a training class (for OnBase, the document management solution, of all things) and sat next to a guy from Costa Rica who worked for Chiqita in Cincinnati, Ohio. He explained that Americans prefer buying nearly green bananas, and only like to eat them when they are a golden-yellow color, and unblemished to boot. We are picky and lousy customers. Europeans, being smarter(?) know that the brown spotted bananas are ripe and flavorful.
I happen to like the brown ones, a lot, but the rest of the family likes them ala American, golden-yellow. To serve them when they are that color, you pretty much have to buy them green yellow, and hope for the best.
An interesting thing happened, though, at that banana display. There was one other woman looking over the meager selection, and we began to compete for the bananas. She took a bunch with three green and one yellow, so I grabbed a bunch. She took another, so I did too. There were only a few bunches remaining—brown spotted, the way I like them—and she dared to take one of those. So I took two bunches of brown spotted. These bananas, by the way, were huge, like they were straight out of a South East Asian porno movie. Eventually she backed down, and left the display, but we had nearly picked it clean.
I think I broke my own record for most bananas, and I've been eating four huge ones a day ever since. If it's possible to overdose on banana-supplied potassium, I'm on my way.
Thursday, October 23, 2008
A Lick and a Promise
One of my all time favorite phrases is "A Lick and a Promise", as in
One of my coworkers used the phrase today in a meeting, referring to some task that she was committed to doing, but not having adequate time to do it properly just at this moment. She said, "I'm going to give the requirements a lick and a promise." I bet you are.
The first time I heard the phrase was from the lips of my mother-in-law. I about shit when I heard it, stunned and disbelieving my ears. She is devoted to her religion, curses very infrequently, and was in her late seventies at the time. I understood that she was talking about the floor, but the phrase crashed into all sorts of other ideas in my head. My wife's mother? A lick and a promise?
At the time, I was so shocked that I told my father about it. He reported that his own mother used the phrase herself quite often. Apparently it offered my father very little in terms of titillation to hear his mother say it, and so he was slightly perplexed at my reaction. My grandmother? Gramma? A lick and a promise?
I suppose there are a number of phrases that sound dirty even though they really aren't, but none of them effect me like A lick and a promise? Consider:
I'm going to give the floor a lick and a promise.This usage refers to quickly wiping up the floor, but having the intention of cleaning that same floor more thoroughly later on. But I am so turned on by that phrase that I want to drop to my hands and knees and scrub the floor myself, a stiff brush in one hand, up to my elbow in hot, sudsy, dirty water with my other hand.
One of my coworkers used the phrase today in a meeting, referring to some task that she was committed to doing, but not having adequate time to do it properly just at this moment. She said, "I'm going to give the requirements a lick and a promise." I bet you are.
The first time I heard the phrase was from the lips of my mother-in-law. I about shit when I heard it, stunned and disbelieving my ears. She is devoted to her religion, curses very infrequently, and was in her late seventies at the time. I understood that she was talking about the floor, but the phrase crashed into all sorts of other ideas in my head. My wife's mother? A lick and a promise?
At the time, I was so shocked that I told my father about it. He reported that his own mother used the phrase herself quite often. Apparently it offered my father very little in terms of titillation to hear his mother say it, and so he was slightly perplexed at my reaction. My grandmother? Gramma? A lick and a promise?
I suppose there are a number of phrases that sound dirty even though they really aren't, but none of them effect me like A lick and a promise? Consider:
- Stump Grinder
- Waxed Beans
- Bone Dry
- Weiner Schnitzel
- Tongue Depressor
- Ben & Jerry's
- Screw Driver
Labels: standup
Monday, October 20, 2008
Me and TV
I have just added a new article: Me TV. It's a memoir-ish account of the television shows I watched in my youth, and is really a testament to the great wasteland that is my mind. If I had spent half the time I spent watching TV just walking around, I might have never had a weight problem.
One little tidbit I left out is that during some of the family TV time, my father and I would watch The Rockford Files, which is an hour-long show. He'd stop at Uncle Bill's on his way home (Uncle Bill's was a bottom-feeding discount store, back before there were stores such as "Big Lots") and pick up a half gallon of Whoppers, those delicious malted milk balls. We would plow through the entire carton during the show, after dinner. It seemed a little bit like dessert, but was not a great thing for me to do.
So I've had this weird relationship with food and television all of my life. I've loved both of them far too much, and for the wrong reasons, and without any conscious thought as to whether or not it helped me, made me stronger, smarter, or faster in any way. I just liked those things, enjoyed them, and squandered the better part of my life away because of it.
Granted, it wasn't as bad as alcoholism, or drug addiction, or gambling away all my possessions. Instead it was a slow decline into obesity, and time wasted that I could have been learning something, building a business, or improving the world. I wonder if I can do any of those good things now, ever.
That seems to be behind me now. I just don't have as much time to watch television anymore, in spite of how much I love it. About half the time that I do, I do so on a treadmill exercising as I go.
To be honest, though, I would like to just sit some time and plow through a carton of chocolate covered malt balls.
One little tidbit I left out is that during some of the family TV time, my father and I would watch The Rockford Files, which is an hour-long show. He'd stop at Uncle Bill's on his way home (Uncle Bill's was a bottom-feeding discount store, back before there were stores such as "Big Lots") and pick up a half gallon of Whoppers, those delicious malted milk balls. We would plow through the entire carton during the show, after dinner. It seemed a little bit like dessert, but was not a great thing for me to do.
So I've had this weird relationship with food and television all of my life. I've loved both of them far too much, and for the wrong reasons, and without any conscious thought as to whether or not it helped me, made me stronger, smarter, or faster in any way. I just liked those things, enjoyed them, and squandered the better part of my life away because of it.
Granted, it wasn't as bad as alcoholism, or drug addiction, or gambling away all my possessions. Instead it was a slow decline into obesity, and time wasted that I could have been learning something, building a business, or improving the world. I wonder if I can do any of those good things now, ever.
That seems to be behind me now. I just don't have as much time to watch television anymore, in spite of how much I love it. About half the time that I do, I do so on a treadmill exercising as I go.
To be honest, though, I would like to just sit some time and plow through a carton of chocolate covered malt balls.
Labels: memoir, mistake, personal growth, toastmaster
Wednesday, October 1, 2008
Announcing: Pandemic Joke
I just added the first of many articles to my site: Pandemic Joke, which was delivered as a Toastmasters speech a couple of years ago. It was inspired by Monty Python's "Funniest Joke in the World" skit, which actually demonstrated the weaponization of a joke.
The first time I delivered it, it went over the time limit, and I had to redo it. This version has all the nasty bits still in it.
Also the first time I delivered it, someone actually snorted in her laughter at the moment when it talks about snorts, and so that was great fun.
The first time I delivered it, it went over the time limit, and I had to redo it. This version has all the nasty bits still in it.
Also the first time I delivered it, someone actually snorted in her laughter at the moment when it talks about snorts, and so that was great fun.
Labels: standup, toastmaster
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