Healthy Living

Delivered as a Toastmasters speech

There are five key topics that you must master in order to live a healthy life: sleep, eating, exercise, drinking, and laughter.

  1. Sleep

    Sleep is one of those things we all love to talk about but don't do enough of, like television, politics, and coffee. Well, maybe not coffee because that's kind of the opposite of sleep. No, wait, being awake is the opposite of being asleep, and drinking coffee is kind of the opposite of going to the bathroom. Okay, that's it: sleep is one of those things we can't live without, like television, politics, and going to the bathroom.

    To live a healthy life, you have to get plenty of sleep. I get eight hours of sleep a day. I'd like to get more, but we're only here at the office for eight hours, and I don't get paid overtime if I stay late.

    The problem with sleep is that you can't get anything else done while you're doing it. I mean, if you dream about cutting the lawn, when you wake up, the grass still needs to be cut. I suppose there are exceptions to that rule, so if you dream about sleeping then you probably are really doing that.

  2. Eating

    There is an old maxim in data processing that goes, "Garbage in, garbage out." Well, with eating it doesn't much matter what it is going in, because it's garbage coming out. But in between, it matters. Our bodies crave nutrients the way Republicans crave an excuse to jerrymander the voting districts.

    Here's an easy guideline for what you should, and what you should not eat:

    • Hot dogs are bad
    • Broccoli is good
    • Hot dogs made of broccoli are weird
    • Buffalo Wings are bad
    • Bison steak is good
    • If Bison had wings, no one would ever go outside.
    • No matter how thin you slice it, Baloney is bad

  3. Exercise

    I was having trouble with feeling sleepy in the afternoon. You know, those moments after lunch when you don't feel like working, and you really want to close your eyes and kick up your heels, and forget about work.

    So I called my doctor, and said Doc, what can I do about my sleepiness, and he says you need more exercise. Try running 10 miles a day. I call him two weeks later, and he asks how am I doing with staying awake at work? I say, I don't know, I'm 140 miles away.

  4. Drinking

    So the rule of thumb is that we are 98% water. We're really like a water balloon, one of those that a clown has twisted into the shape of a human. But we're a water balloon that has sprung a leak.

    We all need lots of fluids every day. This makes perfect sense intuitively, because if we didn't drink lots of fluids, we wouldn't have anything to do when we went to the bathroom, and wouldn't that be awkward.

    If we had no reason to go to the bathroom, then those men in the bathroom at casinos who hand you towels for tips would have no way to make a living.

    In fact, cocktail waittresses at casinos would have no reason to exist. It'd be awful.

  5. Laughter

    Laughter is nature's best medicine, but, I've been told, that morphine can really make you giggle.

    It's a good thing to laugh and cry every day. I prefer to laugh until I cry, and the best way I know to do that is to look at my finances, and my career, and the federal deficit. I'm like George Bailey from "It's a Wonderful Life": I'm worth more dead than alive.

    The other night, my wife woke me up in the middle of the night, and she says, "Honey, if you were going to die, would you want to know how and when?" I said, "No, I'd rather die in my sleep." She said, "Good. Now close your eyes."