Storytelling

Asian Nobel Prizes Revealed to Be No More Racist Than Most Things Everywhere

A Taiwanese businessmen has put up more than 3bn Taiwanese dollars ($103m; £65m) to establish what are being dubbed the “Asian Nobel prizes”.

— http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-asia-21235618

The newly established Asian Nobel Prizes reward the best in sustainable development, biopharmaceutical science, China studies, and “rule of law”. Americans are eligible to apply, but have about a Chinaman’s chance in hell of winning, unless, of course, they are Asian-Americans, who are way smarter than regular Americans.

Quick to respond was Vladimir Putin who revealed that the recently created “Russian Nobel Prizes” would reward vodka drinking and ostentatious consumption. No one, and we mean NO ONE, said anything at all disparaging about Mr. Putin’s idea. In fact, when asked if they thought it was a good idea, all Russians said, “Da.”

Not to be outdone were the French, who announced plans for a “French Nobel Prize” that would be awarded to the Frenchman who did the least amount of work, not including the month-long vacation most Frenchmen take during August because, technically, they were there to work on their tan. French of Algerian descent are, obviously, not eligible for the prize.

Mexico announced their own “Mexican Nobel Prize” to be awarded to any citizen who invented a legal way to attract as many American dollars as the drug trade, but which did so without also bringing American tourists into the country, who, it turns out, are a real pain in the ass.

Canada announced that the newly created “Canadian and French-Canadian Nobel Prize” would be awarded to anyone, anywhere, who can convincingly explain why anyone wants to live in Canada, other than getting out of Michigan.

Cuba added its voice to the cacophony of prize forming countries with its soon-to-be-awarded “Fidel Castro Nobel Prize.” The prize will be awarded annually to Fidel Castro, and will be awarded to him posthumously as well, for the next 100 years, in recognition of Fidel’s many contributions to the country of Cuba, and to annoy Cuban-Americans in south Florida.

Donald Trump declared that he would be organizing an “American Nobel Prize” reality show, to be filmed, Apprentice-style, in his headquarters, with The Donald having final say as to who is worthy of the prize. The criteria, prize, and eligibility requirements had not been revealed, but Mr. Trump seemed confident that it would be way awesomer than anything anyone anywhere else ever created.

Finally, the King of Sweden announced they would award a “Swedish Nobel Prize” to any non-Swede who knew the name of the King of Sweden without using Google.