Storytelling

Garbage Scow

Two of the happiest people on earth at the moment have got to be Richard Heene, from “Balloon Boy” fame, and Jon Gosselin, formerly of “Jon and Kate, etc.”, whose unseemly behavior had cast them, figuratively and literally, in unfavorable and unforgiving light. Their publicity aside, Richard seemed to be perpetually in need of a shave and a hair cut, and Jon seemed to only have his picture taken with special cameras that emphasize double chins and puffy eyes.

They can rest easy for the next few weeks thanks to Tiger Woods. It will be his strong face, winning smile, and sparkling eyes that are plastered on all the magazines at the grocery store checkout line, and Entertainment Tonight will open every episode with “…but first, the latest from the expanding saga of Tiger Woods sex secrets.”

The cheap tabloids will likely pay extra bounty for pictures of Tiger taken mid-chew as he eats his lunch so that his face looks more like the normal silly-putty skinned monsters that the rest of us are, but don’t want to be. That poor man would be well-advised to never scratch his nose in public again because some photographer will be there waiting at the precise angle that makes it look like he is picking rather than just scratching.

It’s an old adage in modern America that when a high-profile celebrity does something embarrassing and stupid, they need only wait about a month before the next garbage scow of celebrity stupidity arrives in port to draw all the attention, and your own garbage scow can go quietly out to sea. None of what any of these poor bastards has done is all that bizarre; they are, in fact, very human. But they are doomed to ridicule for having been famous.

It’s Tiger, of course, who will have the last laugh. His fame was based on real talent, and he has a clear path to redemption: zip up his pants and play golf. He’ll get another wife if he wants, and he’ll eventually be a billionaire if he isn’t already. The other poor fools will be lucky to end up, like me, obscure and forgotten.