Vote For Me

I will vote today, but I’m not going to tell you for whom I’ll be voting. For the most part, I have no idea who is on the ballot, so I couldn’t tell you much about the vote beyond the big ones, President and Congress. The names for the local election are all a blur, but I’ll do my best.

The most memorable campaign speech I know of is from the Patty Duke show. It’s the episode where both Patty and Cathy (her identical twin, for those of you under the age of forty) are running for class president. They wage a vicious campaign with Patty appealing to her friends and calling in old favors, and Cathy taking the moral high-road. There is a third opponent, some quiet wallflower whose entire speech consisted of “Vote For Me”. The wallflower wins as Patty and Cathy knock each other out.

That would be a frightening prospect for our Presidential election especially if Nader or Kucinich somehow snuck into office. (By the way, Dennis Kucinich’s first wife—who was not nearly as hot as his current wife—was once my substitute English teacher in high school. How’s that for a brush with greatness?) Luckily, the forefathers anticipated the “Vote For Me” possibility, and created the Electoral College. Well, I guess they were really worried about a regional demi-God who might win it all through crazy-ass popularity rather than some quiet girl lurking in the wings.

Don’t forget to vote, but don’t bother writing me in. I’d be a swell leader, but I’d be hell-bent on annexing Canada, and that’s not good for the long-term stability of the globe. Then again, how stable is the globe anyway. Heck, we wobble on our axis, and the Republicans have pretty much nationalized the financial system to keep their own greedy bastard supporters from robbing us blind.

So what the heck: go ahead and write me in. I appreciate your support.