The holidays are upon us and regardless of how, or if, you celebrate, we all have feelings around this time of year. If nothing else, it’ll soon—SOON!—be the Winter Solstice, which means days will start getting longer. If you live closer to the 45th parallel than the Tropic of Cancer, it’s a big deal.
We know that Christmas conveniently falls near the pagan celebrations around the solstice (a little too convenient some might say) and also Hanukkah (co-opting cultural celebrations, perhaps?) so, basically, we’re all in this messy holiday season together.
What seems consistent across all the cultural celebrations is that this time of year is great for family gatherings. And what’s a family gathering without a farting contest?
On my mother’s side of the family, we gathered together on Christmas Eve. Sometimes the little kids would get gifts at these parties, but it was more about togetherness. There was food, drink, stories and laughter.
Let’s face it, farts at a family party can be funny until you realize you’re in a low-ceilinged basement without ventilation.
Two of my older cousins, Butch and Peanuts (not their real names), were notorious for pull-my-finger style delivery. They’d start a joke and fart for the punchline.
One Christmas Eve, “Butch” wanted to wow the crowd, and prepared for the party be eating a pound of fried onions, which he knew to be a sure-fire way to never run out of ammunition. Soon, the fart-as-punchline delivery gave way to fart-every-three-seconds. As he cracked himself up, he farted more during the convulsions. It was like the finale at a fireworks show, as you see the explosions happening, you hear it a split second later, and as the stench of sulfur wafts closer, you think the show might be over, only for a fresh salvo of rockets to let loose.
That he got through the night without shitting himself (as far as I know), was a Christmas miracle, at least for our little side of the family.
I realize it was an uncouth thing to do at a party, and my retelling it isn’t much better. Let’s face it: we weren’t aristocracy. My mother used to joke that she was one of the Gabor sisters, descended from Hungarian kings and queens, but stolen by Gypsies at birth and delivered to the south side of Cleveland to grow up in the ethnic ghetto of Tremont.
I know it’s good to be the king, but being a peasant can be a gas.
That party is one of those moments I can’t ever forget because I was with family. Uncouth or not, I have to cherish it. We laughed until we gasped (or maybe it was the sour air that made us gasp). My parents and several aunts and uncles at that party are gone, now. Two of the cousins, as well.
I’d eat a pound of fried onions every day for a year, risking social ostracization and death by flatulence, if I could only get them all together for one more evening of merry-making. Share some wine and mushroom soup. Swap stories. Smile and hug each other good night, yelling Merry Christmas as we farted, er, parted ways.
I pray they all felt my love as I felt their love for me.
Upcoming Books and Stuff You Might Enjoy
I’m actively looking for advance readers for my new novel, Ashley Undone.
Set in modern Ann Arbor, Ashley Undone is about a young woman who is so desperate to save her father from the clutches of greed that she destroys his business with a RansomWare attack; but she unleashes her stepmother’s fury, and Ashley must fight to save her father’s life.
How do you become an advance reader?
- Get an ebook and side-load it using this link
- Get an ebook as an email attachment by contacting me at “mick@mickeyhadick-11cc4d6.ingress-earth.ewp.live”
- I’ll also have a few paperbacks available, so contact me and ask about that
At some point, I’ll ask the advance readers who enjoyed the story to post a review (once I have the book ready to publish). If you didn’t enjoy it, but still might recommend it, that’s cool.
If you’ve never written a book review ever (or at least not since fifth grade) I’ll explain to you soon how simple it all is. Basically, you mention what you enjoyed, and what you think others might enjoy.
If you hated it, then let’s pretend this conversation never happened.
Next Picayune
Thanks for reading the Mickey Picayune. Happy holidays to everyone!
All the best,
Mickey Hadick
P.S. Here’s that link one more time: https://story.mickeyhadick.com/ashley-undone