Last week we travelled to Kenosha for Thanksgiving. Lake effect snow off of lake Michigan turned the roads treacherous west of Kalamazoo. Thinking we were clever, we followed the GPS advice of taking an alternate route.
Turns out, 200 other drivers did the same thing, making the alternate route as crowded as the toilets on nickel beer night at Cleveland Municipal Stadium.
To make matters worse, the alternate route—a two-lane county road—was covered in ice. We crawled the next 30 miles, and bore witness as half a dozen cars slid off the road.
Nothing says “I love you” more than risking your life for a plate of dry-ass turkey.
We made it, though, and all was well until the morning when the daughter of our host family awoke with severe abdominal pain. Like, “the worst pain in my life” pain. The family quickly gathered to offer their diagnoses, with appendicitis being the most popular choice.
“Go to the Emergency Room,” was the consensus. We were all concerned for her well-being but I’m sure a few of us were worried about losing our appetite should she end up doubled-over in pain, moaning and groaning. There’s something about a second helping of turkey and sweet potatoes that makes all the hassle of Thanksgiving worth it.
My own experience with appendicitis started eighteen years ago with a false alarm. This was back when my job title was “Systems Analyst,” and I suddenly had severe abdominal pain and went to the hospital.
The attending physician—a lovely woman—wanted to insert her finger in my rectum to be sure it wasn’t prostatitis.
I had never heard of prostatitis, and I had only dabbled in having a finger in my rectum (medical purposes only for me, but I’m not judging others). So I rolled on my side and presented myself according to her direction.
As she lubed her gloved finger, she tried to put me at ease with small talk and asked, “What do you do for a living?”
At the precise moment she inserted her finger, I replied, “I’m a systems ANALyst.”
The surgeon arrived and it was clear he wasn’t the least bit curious what I did for a living or in putting his finger in my butt. Instead, he pressed down on my stomach and declared me constipated. “If you had appendicitis, that pressure would have made you scream with pain.”
His advice was to go home and poop, and try an enema if it’s not better the next day.
Geez. Thanks doc.
Three years later, I woke up at two in the morning feeling sick and with a pain in my gut worse than anything I’d ever felt. Unlike the previous pain—discomfort compared to this—I knew something was very wrong inside.
I got my wife to drive me to the hospital and, a few hours later, my infected, inflamed, inconsiderate appendix was removed.
Nowadays when I have stomach discomfort, I’m pretty sure I need to poop.
As for the young lady with abdominal pain at this most recent Thanksgiving, she returned to the dinner and brought her appendix with her intact. The pain turned out to be from an ovarian cyst. Apparently, it’s diagnosed with fancy imaging equipment. Or so I was told when I asked if the doctor had stuck his finger up her butt to figure out the problem.
Upcoming Books and Stuff
I’m making final touches to the next novel, Ashley Undone. If you like crime fiction, I’m looking for advance readers.
Set in modern Ann Arbor, Ashley Undone is about a young woman who is so desperate to save her father from the clutches of greed that she destroys his business with a RansomWare attack; but she unleashes her stepmother’s fury, and Ashley must fight to save her father’s life.
If you’re interested, reply to this email (“mick@mickeyhadick-11cc4d6.ingress-earth.ewp.live”).
Maybe You’d Like
I’ve teamed up with a variety of authors in a giveaway for books with a strong sense of place. My book is set in Cleveland, and is an homage to the place where I grew up. Check it out: Fascinating Places: An All-Genre Giveaway for Stories With a Strong Sense of Place
https://storyoriginapp.com/to/7dnwdIG
Recommended Reading
I’m still reading Luckiest Girl Alive. Honestly, it’s not my type of book but I’m still reading because it’s skillfully written. I’m invested in how it ends!
Next Picayune
I hope you had a wonderful Thanksgiving. Thanks for reading the Mickey Picayune.
All the best,
Mickey